“When I shut down I shut down all the way…
I don’t want to talk or be surrounded by people…
I won’t answer any of your calls and please don’t bother me…
Let me go through what I always do maybe I’ll get better some day.
But hey, I don’t want to die or kill myself. I just want to disappear.
And please don’t you dare ask me if the pain will ever stop cause this is a high functioning depression.
I know you never thought I’d get here. Opening up and telling you what it’s like deep down is not my thing.
I don’t seem depressed but trust me this is on the lower end of the spectrum. Just because I don’t show it doesn’t mean I’m not struggling.
Most of you think mental breakdowns are fashionable, a fad, a celebrity trend or are always easy to talk about.
You remember when I mentioned that someone started a fire in me then watched me burn later?
That’s when I stopped realizing what was good for me. Like what I need, what behaviors my brain can control and what’s the best I could do.
I’ve talked to people and all they say is, “Chill out that’s just a disorder.”
They’ve cracked my compass of life and I needed help to stay on the right path. Now see where I’m at🤦
I don’t want love if that’s what you think.
Maybe it’s for selfish reasons and that’s why I’m always alone every Friday night.
Alone with my selfish heart and I alone.
Honestly, I can’t feel my fears anymore.It’s a lot of different things that have got me there.
Lacked a safe zone where I could discuss something without feeling judged.Well, because my work and life seem perfect.
I might have mentioned heights, spiders and clowns as my fears.
But are you sure you’d understand if I tried saying atelophobia(fear of imperfection) was the case?
Shame on you now!
To you I was pretty and petty. And when I said I’m fine you always said “Yes you are (inserts freaky emoji)”
I now hate you for cheering me when I said I liked pumpkin spiced items cause I’d see through lies and that Halloweens are my favorite holidays.
Now you think I’m cool yet I can’t relate with any of my family members leave alone that one best friend from school and my all time colleague from work.”
This was her reply when I asked her, “HEY, HOW ARE YOU?”
I wish I could write everything that strikes me about our last conversation. Never before have I come before such a raw and relatable experience in life. The punchlines aren’t funny but the sudden revelations of what life really is are.
Y’all got to check on your friends now. Sometimes it’s not always a fantasy when someone asks you to sit on a roof top and talk all night.